"I've got a goldfish which lives in a bowl on my desk. It sits about two feet away from me. I feed it flakes everyday.
"Just now, the damned thing took a shit, turned around, and ate it. I know I read somewhere that goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds, but for real, you can't remember taking a crap a millesecond before turning around and registering it as food?
"Oh, god. He just did it again. He belongs in a toilet."